"Dear Saylor, my brother is driving me crazy!"

Dear Saylor,
My brother and I have always gotten along but recently something has happened and I can't explain what...
we seem to be driving each other crazy


he annoys me on purpose
he embarrasses me @ school


he says I try to embarrass him at school
he says I don't laugh when he's trying to be funny just to make him mad


What can we do? I hate arguing and being frustrated all the time!
:[
Frustrated and Tired


Dear Frustrated and Tired,
Wow! Do I totally get your drama! I have a sister, who I have to admit, I have annoyed ON PURPOSE! But she has done the same to me, too.

I am really big on lists!
Somehow, writing a problem down and actually seeing it in front of you instead of it just floating around in your head makes it easier to attack. So, obviously you two have had the "you are driving me crazy" conversation before. You are both, basically, in the same boat. You are annoyed and want it to stop! Being at the same level of frustration is really good in this situation b/c you both can agree something needs to be done. Sometimes getting the other person to see THAT part is the hardest part of fixing something - you have 50% done already!

My suggestion is for you two to sit down and make a list:

• Start with something like, "Grab a pen and come to the table - we need to create some peace!"
• YOU make a list of everything you wish he wouldn't do (only things that RELATE to your relationship...not that you wish he wouldn't comb his hair like Justin Beiber)
• Have HIM make the same kind of list
• Set a time limit or preface the list with "your top 5"
• When your list is done, let the youngest person go first and explain each thing
• Explain what it is that he does, why it drives you nuts, what he could do to make it better
• Switch and let the other person go
• BIGGEST RULE: When it's YOUR turn, HE DOESN'T SPEAK! When it's HIS turn, YOU DON'T SPEAK!
• When you have both shared, hand over the list to the other person and have a conversation, taking turns, about each item. What is fair, unfair, etc. What you would agree to do, not do...
• When you have both been productive and you feel you have solved the issues, SIGN each other's list. This is now a CONTRACT. You agree to TRY to make it better, to the best of your ability.

**Have a parent/adult present to keep conversations on track and diffuse any tempers. Guidance counsellors are GREAT at playing referee and most would be happy to help!

**Make sure everything is safe, if he wants to be able to share what he knows about your boyfriend with you, let him. It is in a sibling's nature to PROTECT. That will come in handy sometime!

Let me know how it goes!
Here's to hoping there is more PEACE for the HOLIDAY SEASON in your house!

xoxo

*
If you need advice you can always send an email to saylorsays@yahoo.com and I will respond with some tips and ideas. I will NEVER post your question online without your permission first. Your emails are confidential!! If I think your question and my answer would be beneficial to other teens, I will ask you if I can post it here. You always have the right to say no and I would NEVER break your trust. Pinky promise!

The FIRST "Dear Saylor"...

If you need advice you can always send an email to saylorsays@yahoo.com and I will respond with some tips and ideas. I will NEVER post your question online without your permission first. Your emails are confidential!! If I think your question and my answer would be beneficial to other teens, I will ask you if I can post it here. You always have the right to say no and I would NEVER break your trust. Pinky promise!

So here goes, the very first Dear Saylor!

Dear Saylor,
So, yesterday my best friend said something awful about me behind my back. I thought best friends were for life. I thought they were the people you could trust with anything. There is stuff my BFF knows that I would sink into a hole and die if she told anyone.
I don't really want to confront her because if I piss her off she could tell my secrets.
How do I handle it or do I just let it go?


Signed,
Bff-less

Dear Bff-less,
OK There are two schools of thought here... "confrontation to show her how pissed off you are" and "confrontation to help her understand."

Friends are tough because society has told us that BFFs are like two peas in a pod...you are exactly alike, you can finish each other's thoughts, blah blah blah....

The truth of that matter is, whether you are talking BFFs or boyfriends, what attracts you to one another are the little nuances that make you different. You might not realize it but one of you is strong and one needs a shoulder, one of you is a bit more outgoing than the other. It's how the universe works.

That being said if you go with the first school of thought... SHOW HER HOW PISSED OFF YOU ARE... you very well may set her off and depending on her integrity, she may spread some of your 'baggage' out of her inability to admit what she did was wrong and hurtful.

But if you go the other ...HELP HER UNDERSTAND... route you are more likely to calmly plead your case, give her a chance to apologize and mean it and renew your allegiance to each other with the addendum to the original union... "come to me with something BEFORE going behind my back."

Now, you ask, how in the world can you do that when you are so pissed you could spit in her COACH bag without feeling bad?

WRITE, WRITE, WRITE!
Huh?
Yep, pretend you are writing to her and lay it all out there. It doesn't even have to make sense. You can jump from one thing to the next and make sense of it all later. Be pissed! Rant! Scream and cry while you are doing it.

THEN... and only when you are SURE you have gotten it all out... go back and read it, make sense of it and re-write it so that it reads the truth you want her to know.

BINGO - you have now gotten out all your angst, you have made sense of all your thoughts and feelings, you may have even realized some buried feelings you didn't even realize you had. But now when you approach her, your thoughts are arranged, you are less angry and more determined to straighten this out instead of breaking her nose.

Trust me!
This works.
It's the teenage version of a timeout!

Let me know how it goes!